The Journal of Gwenyth Nightvale
by Whisper292
Summary: This ongoing serial follows the adventures of Gwenyth Nightvale as she explores the world of vampirism and adjusts to a new life and family while doing her best to maintain her relationship with her mortal lover. The story is based on a roleplay I am participating in on Elder Scrolls Online.
1. JGN 1 - Coldharbour

The Journal of Gwenyth Nightvale One  
>Coldharbour<p>

I've thought about starting a journal for a while, but I never could find the inspiration; but my sister Kaawenyth told me once that I shouldn't need inspiration for a journal. Just write what I think and feel. I replied that I've never been a big thinker or feeler, and she just laughed and said I was lying to myself. I guess she's right. I mean, I've had the same lover since I was a child, and I've read every book in the Library of Elden Root—okay, not _every_ book, but a lot of them. Mum and Da always stressed that it was just as important to be well read as it was to be good with a blade and a bow. I just never thought much about it. I guess I learned and just didn't realize it. Huh.

Anyway, Kaawen also said that I should start my journal by recording my backstory. Like anybody will ever read it but me! But she said I should treat the journal like a friend, like I was talking to it. Only then could I really open up and use it for what it was intended: to sort out my thoughts and feelings. Again with the thoughts and feelings! Maybe she's onto something here.

Okay, then, here goes. Hello, Journal, I'm Gwenyth Nightvale. Nice to meet you. I'm sixty-eight years old, Bosmer, with ash-silver hair and green eyes. I grew up in Elden Root, in a large double treehouse in the shadow of one of the tree's great roots. My parents are Vinedusk Rangers and part of King Camoran's personal guard. My brother Oranil is a ranger too, although he's stationed at Cormount. He's married to Jana. My other brothers, Tavan and Angor, and Kaawen are traveling Tamriel, like me. Kaawen recently got married, to an Altmer, no less, named Betath. Then there's Rai. We've been in love since we were twelve, and he's lived with us since we were fifteen when his parents were killed in combat. Is that enough, you think?

Oh, and Rai doesn't travel Tamriel with me. While I have this terrible curiosity and have always felt this burning need to roam, he's more of a homebody. I've been all over Valenwood, Elsweyr, and part of the Summerset Isles. I've even ventured into Cyrodiil once or twice. Rai works as a mercenary, often doing jobs as an envoy for the Silvenar and Green Lady, so he has traveled, but not nearly as much as I have. We've always been faithful to each other (at least he has as far as I know), but we only see each other five or six times a year. He, more than the family, is what keeps me going back to Elden Root as often as I do. Even not seeing him every day, he sustains me. I literally think I would die without him.

Okay, that's enough for one night. Now you know me, Journal, so let's fill you up with all sorts of adventures.

* * *

><p>Will I ever learn? Eh, probably not. One of these days, my curiosity is going to get me killed. But damn it, portals don't just open up in front of a person for no reason. I probably should have taken it on faith that this portal was not meant for me, but I stepped through anyway, and here I am, freezing my arse off among hundreds of Daedra. Coldharbour. And the portal has closed behind me. I'm an idiot.<p>

* * *

><p>I've tried for days—maybe a week—to find a way out of Coldharbour, but I'm stuck here. Thank Y'ffre I was brought up in a family of fighters, or I would be dead by now, dinner to some random Clannfear. And I can hunt, so I could survive here indefinitely if some Daedra doesn't kill me first. Banekin, little demons, actually don't taste all that bad. But I refuse to eat scuttlers. They're just too cute to kill. They look like little frogs with no front legs. And they don't jump; they just scuttle. I'd love to have one as a pet, hehe.<p>

Today I really thought my time had come, though. I had just snagged a banekin and was sitting by the fire, skinning it and getting ready to put it on a spit when a twig snapped behind me. I turned to find a Dremora standing there, grinning, his black teeth glistening in the firelight.

"What have we here, little one?" he sneered.

I was on my feet in an instant, my daggers at the ready. I wasn't about to trade insults with a Dremora, so I just waited for the assault. He flung a spell at me, the one with the purple and black mist that does some unidentifiable magic damage, and though I tried to duck beneath it, I still felt this incredible pain through my head. I shrugged it off as best I could and tackled him. He dug his claws into my shoulders and turned me over, pinning me to the ground. Gods, his breath was putrid. There must have been some sort of poison in his claws because a burning like none I'd ever known immediately began to crawl down my arms, as though they were on fire. I thrust one of my blades into his abdomen, but he simply snarled and readied one of his claws above me. He was aiming to tear my throat out, I could just tell. Or maybe he was going to cast some sort of spell to incapacitate me and take me back to his lair, where he would commit all sorts of atrocities. We couldn't have stayed like that more than two seconds; it's amazing the things that can go through your mind in two seconds.

All of a sudden, the Dremora was bathed in a devastating blast of flame and instantly incinerated. What was amazing was how controlled the blast was. The flames didn't go beyond him, and though I felt the heat, I wasn't burned. When the ash that was once the Daedra had cleared, I saw somebody standing behind it, an Altmer with a friendly smile. He was good looking, with dark, shoulder-length hair and the scruff of a beard, as though he hadn't shaven in a few days. He had a strong nose and warm, gold eyes. There was one staff in his hand and another strapped to his back. He reached out his hand to help me up. His hand was nowhere near as warm as his eyes, but I took it anyway and let him pull me to my feet. He was so tall! I'm short for a Bosmer, and I think he must be tall for an Altmer because I only came about halfway up his chest.

"Close call, eh?" he asked.

"Aye. Thanks for that."

"Hold your arms out."

I did so, and he switched staves and waved the new one over my arms. With a golden glow and a cool tingling, my arms were healed. I sighed with relief.

"Thanks for that too"

"You're welcome. I noticed you when you came in the other day. You've done well for yourself."

"You could have helped me before now, you know."

"You didn't need it before now. I must admit, I've never eaten Banekin, but it seems to have sustained you well enough."

I shrugged. "I just wish the water tasted better. It's so beautiful, but it tastes like sulfur."

With a chuckle, he said, "I don't drink the water, either."

Something about his eyes changed, and they suddenly bled to red. The gold had been a glamour, and he dropped it to reveal his nature. He was a vampire.

I yanked my hand back and started to scramble away, but he chuckled softly.

"I assure you, little one, I mean you no harm."

Why is it always _little one_? Everybody calls me that.

"You have nothing to fear from the vampires here," he continued.

"Any of them?" I asked with raised eyebrows.

"None of them. In fact, it is my intention to take you home and offer you some protection from the rest of the creatures of Coldharbour. Until we can find a way to send you home, that is."

Was he kidding? Maybe instead of the Dremora, _he_ was the one who planned on committing all sorts of atrocities. I shook my head slowly. "I don't think so."

He shrugged. "Hopefully you will change your mind. Until then, I will keep a watchful eye on you from a distance as I have these last days." He nodded goodbye and left my campsite.

A vampire! And he had helped me! And wanted to continue to do so. It should have creeped me out that he said he was going to keep an eye on me, but as bizarre as it sounds, the thought was actually comforting.

I've always found vampirism rather seductive. Something about the bite, the exchange of blood, even to kill or feed, seemed so intimate to me. It's like killing an animal with a dagger. It's up close and personal, and there's a distinct relationship between predator and prey. Now here is my opportunity to ask some questions. I wouldn't even know where to start!

But how in Y'ffre's name can I trust him? I've known him for like five minutes, and he didn't even tell me his name. Though his actions today went against everything I've ever known about vampires, I have to be cautious. I'm all alone here.

Alone. And I'm really feeling it tonight. Goodnight, Rai, wherever you are. I love you. I wonder if I'll ever see you again.

* * *

><p>Characters and settings c. 2014 Bethesda Softworks LLC<p> 


	2. JGN 2 - The Orchard

The Journal of Gwenyth Nightvale Two  
>The Orchard<p>

After a few days of feeling cold and alone, I finally said yes to the vampire. I think I'm going to learn a lot from my new friend. His name is Vallanil Stormbringer, and he and his coven, who reside in a region called the Orchard, have taken me under their protection. In three days, I haven't been disturbed by any of Coldharbour's creatures, and no one has suggested or even joked about biting me. Many of the Orchard's vampires chose to live in Coldharbour instead of Nirn, mostly because there is less of a threat to their kind here. It sounds crazy, but I guess there's a sort of strange logic to it. They were able to come and go as they pleased, and they would go to Tamriel to feed, socialize with others, or even adventure like I do.

Some of them wereprisoners, however, exiled here for one reason or another. Vallanil, for instance. He made a deal with Molag Bal to bring some artifact to Coldharbour, and once he got here, the Daedric Prince wouldn't let him leave. I still don't get how the other vampires could leave and he couldn't, probably some sort of curse or spell. But they would bring bottled blood back for him and the other prisoners so they could feed.

Even though he was treated well, imprisonment was really terrible for Vallanil, who was separated from his beloved wife. "We were only married a few weeks before I came to Coldharbour," he said. "I had only just turned her, and I left her alone with the hunger of a new vampire, the spirit of a warrior, and no way to reconcile the two."

"Meaning she's very dangerous."

He chuckled. "Oh, she was very dangerous _before_ I turned her; but yes, if she loses control, she could wreak incredible havoc." His eyes glazed over. "But it's more than that. I miss her. So much."

"Then we have to find a way to get you out of here. Maybe you can somehow leave with me."

"Unfortunately, there's more to it than _that_ as well."

That's when he told me that none of them could leave. He said one of the vampires in the coven had betrayed them. Apparently it was very frustrating to Molag Bal that the vampires could come and go as they pleased and he couldn't do anything about it. I find it astounding that it's his realm and there are still things he can't control, but Vallanil says it's not all that uncommon. Coldharbour is a big place, after all. Anyway, this other vampire was a prisoner here like Vallanil, and he made a deal with the big guy to get out. He cast a spell using four dark Welkynd stones, and the spell trapped all the Orchard's vampires here. While they can leave the Orchard on a limited basis, they can't venture far and they can't approach the stones or the spell will do . . . well, Vallanil wouldn't tell me that. Just that it was something terrible. They can't leave, so they can't feed. It's been months. I can't imagine hunger like that.

And yet they leave me alone. Maybe it's because Vallanil has quite a bit of power here. He is way up in the hierarchy of the Orchard, second only to the Blood Matron, who serves as leader and warden. We don't see her much; she stays closed away in her chambers, and the vampires all defer to Vallanil.

Walking around the Orchard, I can see the Welkynd stones. They're floating above braziers just at the perimeter of the area, guarded by Harvesters—gigantic snake women who send out these orbs that suck the life out of their opponents and take it for themselves. They're just different kinds of vampires, really. They don't bother anybody as long as they don't go toward the stones, but Vallanil said that if anybody tried it, the Harvesters would attack them _all_, not just the ones who approached the stones. Not to mention that if they actually did get through, their proximity to the stones would trigger the spell.

"What about me?" I asked.

"Gwenyth, do you see how large those Harvesters are? You're less than half their size, armed only with daggers, and you don't have the magic to defeat them."

"I have magic. I told you I'm a Nightblade."

"And you're an excellent fighter, but your blades alone won't be enough, even if you managed to sneak up on them, and they're powerful enough to easily resist any siphoning magic you have. Their claws are like razors, and they would drain your life faster than you can imagine and then rip you to shreds. I can't allow you to even attempt such a feat because none of us would be able to come to your aid."

"But there must be something I can do."

"There is. Just be patient; I have a plan."

I lie here now on my bedroll, feeling helpless. When Vallanil talks about his wife, he looks so sad and hopeless. It's heartbreaking. It makes me think of Mokurai. It's been so long since I saw him last, and now I'm starting to despair if I'll ever see him again. I've gone as much as a year without going back to Elden Root before, so he is probably merrily living his life, hunting and fighting as usual, figuring I'll come home at some point. I wonder how long it will be before he starts to worry.

* * *

><p>I was right when I thought I would learn a lot from Vallanil. It has always been his philosophy that vampires don't have to be the feral monsters they're made out to be, and that the majority of them really aren't that way. They're predators, yes, and he does concede that many of them could be considered evil; but they are highly intelligent, deep feelers, and protective of each other. Only bloodfiends are feral, and though it is said that is the fate of all vampires, no one in the Orchard ever knew a vampire who turned into a bloodfiend with just a normal existence. There is some worry now that the Orchard vampires could eventually turn into bloodfiends if they go without feeding long enough, but Vallanil says such a possibility won't exist for quite some time.<p>

I've learned from the other vampires as well. The Orchard coven is a family, and they guard each other fiercely against the terrors of Coldharbour. Although my family always been close, there has never been the intimacy that these vampires share with each other. It's very much akin to what I have with Rai, except it's not one-to-one; they all share it. I find this even more attractive than the concept of biting and drinking blood. I've even begun to consider asking Vallanil to turn me.

* * *

><p>After several weeks of deliberation with myself, I finally asked Vallanil to turn me, and he said no.<p>

"Why not?" I asked, sounding for all the world like a youngster denied a sweet.

"Don't misunderstand me, Gwenyth. I would love to have you as a childe. But if I turned you, you would be confined to Coldharbour like the rest of us. We talk of our unsated hunger, but it would be worlds worse for a new vampire. Your suffering would be immeasurable, and you might become a bloodfiend much sooner than the rest of us."

"Maybe it wouldn't be like that."

He shook his head. "You're charmed by what you see here, little one. But why would you want to spend an eternity in Coldharbour?"

"Stop calling me 'little one.'"

With a chuckle, he said, "Never."

He's right, I guess. Although they maintain control, I can see how badly the vampires suffer. But maybe I can find a way to break the spell, and _then_ he can turn me.

* * *

><p>If I was better able to keep track of the days and nights, I would estimate I've been in Coldharbour just about five months. It's finally happened—Vallanil has come up with a spell that will open a portal, allowing me to leave. At least we <em>think<em> it will allow me to leave, and I do hope so. I love Vallanil dearly, and I'm fond of most of the other vampires as well, but I'm ready to go home, vampire or not. I miss Rai so much, but it's not just him. I miss the moons, the stars, the warmth of the sun. I miss rotmeth, bacon, hunting, even stealing.

This morning, as I was preparing to leave, Vallanil came in and handed me a sealed letter. "I want you to try to find my wife," he said.

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"You can start by going to my castle in Rivenspire. Knowing her, I doubt she has stayed there. She has probably begun to travel again. But we have retainers, friends, even the townspeople know us. Any of them might be able to point you in the right direction."

"But that's Covenant territory, Vallanil."

With a shrug, he said, "I didn't say it would be easy."

"Or safe."

His face fell. "You're right, of course. It was wrong of me to even ask this of you."

"Oh, give me that." I yanked the letter out of his hand. "Did you really think difficult and dangerous would stop me? I'll find her, Vallanil."

"The good news is you don't have to travel to High Rock on foot. There is a mage in the Auridon Mages Guild who is a portal master. His name is Sandril, and he's a good friend. He can get you where you need to go, and get you back again."

Portals again. Maybe I _won't_ ever learn. But with one last hug for Vallanil Stormbringer, I'm ready to step through the one he is about to open for me.

* * *

><p>Characters and settings c. 2014 Zenimax Online<p> 


	3. JGN 3 - Portals

The Journal of Gwenyth Nightvale Three

Portals

As expected, Sandril towered over me. The Altmer mage was handsome—I think most Altmer men are, really—with silvery hair, hazel eyes, and a haughty manner. For all that he was a bit arrogant, he was actually very helpful. He sympathized with Vallanil's plight and was glad to help his friend, although he let me know in no uncertain terms that it wasn't an easy task to undertake.

"I hope you understand the difficulty of opening a portal at such a distance," he complained.

"Well, if you think I'm asking too much—"

"No, no. Besides, you're not the one asking. Vallanil is."

"Nice to know you'd be there for me if _I_ came to you for help," I muttered.

Sandril sighed. "My apologies, Gwenyth. Of course I would help you. I have no call to complain about such a portal when it is well within the purview of my ability. Stand next to me, please. If I open the portal too close to you, it will be unpleasant."

I stood closer to the mage, and he squinted his eyes in concentration and uttered an incantation. A white-glowing portal opened a few yards away, and Sandril nodded with satisfaction. "This should put you in Rivenspire, hopefully right outside Vallanil's front door."

"How long do I have?"

"It will stay open until you return. Take care while you are in Covenant territory. There are plenty of Bosmer in High Rock and they are not likely to believe you're an Aldmeri spy, but there's no point in taking chances."

I laid a hand on his arm. "Thank you, Sandril."

"Go now," he said softly.

And so I stepped through the portal.

He was right: I came through just outside the massive front door of an imposing castle. The surrounding area was stark, with much of the vegetation dead or dying. It stood at one end of a small village, and another castle rose up at the other end. Neither house was like anything in Dominion territory. They were made of stone, with high walls, pitched roofs, and blocky towers. Compared to Altmer castles and Bosmer treehouses, they were quite ugly. But I wasn't here to critique the architecture.

A rope hung to the right of the door—a bellpull, I assumed—and I pulled it. I could indeed hear a bell inside the house, and after a few moments, a man came to the door. He was a healthy, mortal Breton in his mid-forties. He raised an eyebrow with surprise when he saw me.

"May I help you?" he asked me.

"Is this Stormbringer Manor?" I asked.

"It is."

"I'm looking for Countess Amelia. Is she here?"

"And you are . . .?"

"I have a message from her husband."

The Breton laughed coldly. "I'm sure that is quite impossible. Now, if there is nothing else, the countess has little time for anonymous strangers. Good day."

"No, I'm serious. I've been to Coldharbour. He's alive and is trying to get word to the countess."

He stopped in the middle of closing the door and stared at me for a long moment, then sighed. "Well, I'm afraid the countess is not here. She left shortly after the count disappeared and has not returned."

Damn it. "Any idea where she could have gone?"

"You might inquire with the nobility. She was a mercenary before she married the count, and she often worked for the nobles and royals. She hinted that she might go back to her old ways, so it is likely that she has been in touch with one or more of them, possibly even High King Emeric himself."

High King Emeric? Visiting _that_ castle would be an adventure. I didn't think I was up to it. "Thank you for your help."

"I hope you're telling the truth, miss. The count is well loved here," he added in parting with less stiffness and formality. It made me think a little more highly of him.

I checked with the residents of the neighboring castle, but they said basically the same thing as Vallanil's servant. What's more, _their_ lord had fallen to the exact same fate. He had taken the original artifact to Coldharbour after making a deal with Molag Bal. He'd had no expectation of returning. But a piece of the shattered artifact had turned up in Rivenspire, and Vallanil had taken it to Coldharbour without such a deal and with every hope that he would come back. The retainer I spoke to—a Bosmer, no less, and a vampire—said Vallanil and her master were like brothers and both had preached benevolence and peaceful coexistence with mortals. Although both had actually gone to Coldharbour on their own volition, she believed someone had cursed them.

The Bosmer vampire asked if I had seen her master in Coldharbour and was saddened when I told her no. It makes me wonder what happened to him. If he wasn't in the Orchard with the rest of the vampires, where was he? Did his pact with Molag Bal curse him to spend eternity in the Halls of Torment or the Lightless Oubliette? And why hadn't Vallanil spoken of him when I was there?

I didn't know what to do next. Having never been to High Rock—well, _anywhere_ in Covenant territory—I had no clue where to start. Thus, in the hope that Sandril might have ideas, I went back to Auridon.

* * *

><p>It seems like my life has become one big portal. In the past few weeks, Sandril has sent me through nearly a dozen, taking me all over High Rock and the Alik'r Desert, but there was no sign of Countess Amelia Stormbringer anywhere. I've barely taken a break since I left Coldharbour, so today I decided to go hunting.<p>

Auridon is fairly urban, and there aren't a lot of woods in which to hunt, but I managed to track a deer. And then, right in the middle of what little forest there was, I came upon a portal.

"Really?" I groaned. I was so sick of looking at portals. I just wanted to snag a deer, take some venison back to the Mages Guild for dinner, and then get some sleep. But this one looked different from Sandril's. The color and quality of the light was off, definitely not one of his making. I reached in my pocket and touched the letter, which I never let out of my possession.

I've never been big on fate. While I did believe some things happened for a reason, for the most part it was just chance. But that was before I stepped through that portal to Coldharbour. I mean, where did the thing come from to start with? It just opened up in front of me. Maybe it was meant for me after all. Vallanil swore he hadn't put it there, but stepping through it had allowed me to meet him and put me on a quest to find his wife. But what were the chances she was behind _this_ doorway? I mean, really.

For some crazy reason, though, something in the back of my mind told me she _was _on the other side. This was the way to the countess. Ignoring every warning signal going off in my head, I stepped through.

The portal opened onto a huge, lushly appointed hall. A dinner table big enough to seat twenty stood to one side, and an enormous fireplace took the place of an entire wall on the other side of the room. A sitting area with half a dozen couches and a handful of chairs and tables rested in the center. Several corridors opened off of the hall, and a doorway by the dining area led to a brightly lit kitchen.

As big as the hall was, however, it was nearly empty. A lone woman lounged on one of the couches, reading a book. She was pretty, with short red hair, which she tucked behind one ear.

According to Vallanil, Amelia had short red hair. No. It couldn't be this easy.

Easy? Who was I kidding? It hadn't been easy. I'd been all over High Rock in the past few weeks. I was exhausted. It was time somebody cut me a break. And if this was her, that's exactly what happened. Somebody _wanted_ me to find Amelia Stormbringer. It wasn't coincidence, and it might not have even been fate. Somebody was helping.

The woman looked up at me and raised her eyebrows. "Well, what have we here?"

I stepped closer to her, and that's when I noticed her eyes. She was a vampire. "There was a portal," I said.

"And you just stepped through without knowing where it would go?"

"I do that. I'm looking for someone. You wouldn't happen to know Countess Amelia Stormbringer, would you?"

"No," she said slowly, but she was lying and I knew it. "What do you want with her?"

"It's you, isn't it? You're Amelia."

Her eyes narrowed. "You stepped through the wrong portal, little one."

"He called me that too."

"Who?"

"Vallanil. I have a message for you."

With that, her red eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "W-what did you say?"

"I've been to Coldharbour. He's alive, Countess." I pulled the letter out of my pocket and held it out to her.

"No, it's not possible," she said, even as she was reaching for the letter. She opened it, read, and burst into tears.

I sat on the sofa and rested a comforting hand on her arm. "I'm sorry," I said.

"Sorry?" she sobbed. "He's alive! You've nothing to be sorry about. How did you come to this?"

With a shrug, I said, "I have a thing about stepping through portals. One of them put me in Coldharbour. Vallanil saved my life, and he and his coven took care of me for a while until he found a way to send me back."

Her cries became laughter. "Have you read this?"

"No, milady."

"It tells me exactly where and how to find him. I just need to figure out how to get to Coldharbour."

"I know a mage who might help you with that."

Another vampire stepped out of the kitchen, a Bosmer like me, with a mug in one hand and a wine glass in the other. "What have we here?" she asked, repeating the countess as she handed her the goblet.

"Did I step into a vampire's castle?" I asked impulsively.

"Aye, you did," said Amelia, "and you probably shouldn't stay."

"If it's dangerous, I understand, but I . . . I'm so curious. Vallanil told me a lot, and I—well, I want to know more. I want to learn about your kind."

The other vampire smiled. "Stepped through the portal, did you? It happens; we get strays occasionally. Amelia, who is your friend?"

"I'm sorry," the countess said sheepishly, "I don't even know your name."

"Gwenyth Nightvale."

"I am Yvonneleia," said the other vampire. "I think we can teach you a few things."

I sit now in my room in the Mages Guild, with a wealth of knowledge swimming around in my head. Amelia—who insisted that I stop calling her "Countess"—and Yvonneleia told me so much, as did some of the others who entered the hall as the hour grew later. There weren't only vampires at this castle; there were mortals too. And werewolves. _Werewolves!_ They also gave me an invitation to come back any time I want and learn more about their kind. I think I will.

* * *

><p>Sandril wasn't able to help Amelia. He tried time and again, but he couldn't get a portal to Coldharbour to open for him. He said he would keep trying, but after a while, Amelia decided to leave the clan and set out on her own quest to reach Coldharbour. She told me she would go home to Rivenspire first, and set up a base of operations there. That way, if Sandril or I found something, we could get in touch with her. She hugged me tightly before she left and said I was a dear friend. Since I can get to Rivenspire pretty much whenever I want now, I told her I would likely go visit her just to keep in touch. She seemed to like that. I got the impression that even in a castle with so many of her kind, Amelia is very lonely. She has friends here, but she isn't really close to anyone, except for maybe Yvonneleia. And now she's leaving even that. I do so hope she finds what she's looking for.<p>

* * *

><p>It turns out that learning about vampirism from a coven that is not allowed to feed is very different from one that is free. I've seen some grisly things in the past fortnight, but nothing was enough to scare me away. In fact, just the opposite.<p>

The coven is called Clan Shar'Matar, and there are maybe twenty of them. They treat the mortals who live here as family members, practically equals, and they have really taken me under their wing. In fact, I spend most of my days and nights at the castle, often sleeping on one of the couches, and everyone assures me that I'm safe here.

Yvonneleia has offered to turn me if and when I am ready, and I'm seriously thinking of taking her up on it. The more I learn, the more I _want_ to learn, and I find that I want to gain that knowledge firsthand. I don't want history and lore, and I don't want a second-hand account of someone's experiences. I want to know what it's like, _really_ know what it's like, how it feels to feed, the taste, the emotions, the power, the intimacy with my prey. I want to know what it feels like to burst into mist form and float away, to be stronger, faster, stealthier. I'm really starting to _want_ to be a vampire.

I just adore Yvonneleia. She said I could call her "Mother" after I am turned, which we both find hilarious, because she's actually about twenty years younger than me. I worried about losing my mortal mother, but although she advised against it, Yvonneleia said I could still see her and Da if I wanted. I think I will tell them what I'm doing. They've always been open-minded. Da doesn't even follow the Green Pact anymore. Becoming a vampire can't be as shocking as that.

I'm sure Rai will be another story, though. My lover is so straight-laced. I've often wondered what he saw in me at all, especially when he would call me a "wild child." How is he going to take this? Will he leave me? I don't even want to think about that. We've been together since we were twelve years old. What would I do without him? And if he forced me to make a choice, what would I do? I mean, this is a life decision I'm talking about.

Clan Shar'Matar has a number of portals that open all over Tamriel, and one of them goes to Grahtwood. Thus, tomorrow I'll take a deep, cleansing breath and step through it. I just pray to Y'ffre—should I be praying to Y'ffre about this? And if not, who?—that Rai will accept my decision.

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><p>Characters and settings c. 2014 Zenimax Online<p> 


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